Messenger Theatre Company presents Season Three of The Dragoning
Episode Two: Dragon Nip
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
Season Three of The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Two. Dragon Nip
Dylan and Kala
(The music sputters out.)
*
(sound of dragon roar. Sound of traffic.)
DYLAN
No way! No way! I can’t believe it. My buddy from the tour. The one who took my advice – although not all of it, right? Am I right? And you remember me, Dylan! Look at you, falling in love with a dragon, kicking off a whole other dragoning in a whole other country.
I can’t believe it. Right here. Right by my bus.
Are you taking the tour again?
Aw, that’s too bad. But probably for the best. Kristina has been doing a section about you in her tour. Oh you know, “Don’t tell anyone, but the world famous dragon lover took this very tour before falling in love with a dragon.” I mean I don’t know if that timeline is right but that’s what she says.
Sure, sure, I guess you’re used to people talking about you everywhere by now. Holy smokes.
Yeah, yeah,. You remembered! Yeah – well, I’m still working out the details, still figuring out the logistics, you know. For now, the tour company is a decent job. I just drive the bus around, you know. Not too demanding. Gives me time to think. But one day, for sure, I’m going to start those men only tours. Because every day, I fear for my life.
I mean, the women who get on this bus they’re mostly from other places but you know, as you found out, there are dragons from other places that aren’t Dragon City and maybe what they want to eat more than anything are tasty bus drivers here
They could eat me right up, Brent. I’m probably just a snack for them. Why not? Am I not edible?
Thank you. I think so.
You’re saying I’m too scared to eat?
Oh right. Because I’m feeding them with all this fear. Yeah, yeah. Good point.
But Brent. This fear is exhausting. I mean – don’t you feel it – just being on constant alert, being vigilant all the time, always watching your words so you don’t say anything that might set a dragon off? It’s very tiring! Don’t you think so? That’s why I think a men only situation would really make more sense.
I gotta get some investors. You interested?
Those guys? Over at the bar? Like Colm?
I have mentioned it over there.
Oh, they’re alright. Same as they ever were. They tell stories about you in there now.
Oh, you know, about how they had the dragon’s boyfriend in there once upon a time but you never let on you had a dragon girlfriend. A couple of em have a story that you’re some kind of spy.
Oh, for the dragons, of course. They think the dragons are stalking them – that they have the tastiest flesh – so all the dragons are itching to swallow them.
Now, I love those guys, but dragons don’t give a rat’s ass about a bunch of drunks in a bar who don’t bother anyone.
I mean they spend all their time in there. Where would they meet a dragon?
They could barely sustain a conversation with a woman before there were dragons, like how would any dragon find out where they drink?
I mean, like I said, I love those guys but they are not the most logical. They think dragons are out there trying to find men like them to eat when mostly – even I know this - the dragons just want to be left alone.
I mean, yeah, I’m afraid – but I know I’m still alive even out here meeting women every day, because I just leave ‘em be.
Dragons don’t like to be hassled. That much I know. I don’t hassle anyone, I’m staying safe, you know?
But those guys are so terrified, a dragon passing by wouldn’t even have to go in to get a full meal. She can just pass on by, take a good sniff and she’s fed for a week. That’s something I didn’t understand before.
Anyway – what are you doing back here, man? Aren’t you from over there somewhere? They kick you out?
I mean you did bring a dragon overseas. We all know that.
Oh right, right. They just turned your girlfriend loose.
They cut her loose and shuffled her onto the next plane. You included, huh?
But that government dragon attack wasn’t your fault, was it, Brent? I mean – on the news they made it sound like one conversation with you sent that agent around the dragon bend. But that’s not how it was, was it?
I didn’t think so. You’re not some magical dragon catalyst. Maybe you’re just like – dragon nip. You get it? Like catnip but for dragons? Dragon nip? Yeah dragon nip.
You know how they sell cat toys and they put cat nip in them…what if they made little dolls of you and gave them to the dragons to play with? That would be funny right?
Hey maybe I should sell little dolls of you. Maybe I’d make a million bucks, selling toys to dragons.
I don’t know, actually. Do dragons play with toys? As dragons? I’ve never seen it. And no one’s said anything. Maybe some of those baby dragons.
So wait wait – are you living here now, in Dragon City?
It must be hard having to leave your own country.
Yeah, yeah. Fresh start. Sure. Yeah. I could get into a fresh start. Kick off my career as a doll maker
Oh yeah, I got dozens of them. I’m an idea man.
The guys over at the bar are always razzing me about my ideas. “What is it this week, Dylan?” Well, one day I’ll make a million with one of these beauties. One day.
Oh sure, sure. You’re a busy guy now. Famous. Of course I’m just tickled that I spotted you right here by my bus! That’s gonna be good luck for me, I bet. “Spot a Dragon’s Boyfriend. You’ll have lots of Joy, Friend.” That’s a good saying, right?
I’m full of ‘em.
If you ever need an idea, you know where to go. Right here to me, Dylan!
Alright, buddy. I’ll be seeing you around.
*
Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of a prison sort of door opening at the Apology Pavilion)
Kala
Drench! You actually came. They told me Ashley was a no go and I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to come listen to me apologize either if I were her.
But I’m really glad you’ve come. The truth is, it’s really you I want to apologize to. I mean…I want to apologize to Ashley as well. After all, it was her I tried to kill. But I don’t know her. I’ve never met her. I mean, I met her dragon but…it’s not really the same, is it? I guess you might know.
No?
Really? The longest time you’ve spent with her dragon was when I came to kill her?
Wait. Wait. What do you mean, usually you run?
Like – how often have you run?
Well, I was thinking of Ashley but you’ve run for other dragons, too? Drench! You’ve got a type! And it’s not me!
No, no…I’m sorry. This isn’t the apology. I know better than to flirt with a dragon’s boyfriend. Or – maybe I should say – I have learned that it may not be wise to flirt with a dragon’s boyfriend. The thing is, though, I flirt with everyone so I don’t always make those kinds of distinctions.
How do you like this set up, by the way? They renovated a Men’s Wearhouse just to give the dragons a safe place to apologize. I don’t know why they’ve put me behind glass, though. I’m not a dragon and they know it.
No, you know, I do know why they put me behind glass…they do this thing where they treat me like a dragon to try and get me to feel some empathy for them.
They’ve got this idea that they’re rehabilitating me and you know, it’s weird – but I think it’s working.
Oh, yeah – I forget you were Curious George. Well. When they took me away, I was sure they were going to throw me in front of a dragon firing squad – I mean a line of dragons spitting out fire. But they didn’t do that, Drench. They didn’t even throw me in a cell. It was just, like, a conference room. And I thought it would be a weird place to be executed so I started to calm down a little bit. I mean, I didn’t like being trapped with no weapons and no way out but I’ve felt trapped in conference rooms before – usually with the Central Montana Real Estate Board,
Anyway – yeah, this group of ladies, looking very much like the Central Montana Real Estate Board, came in and sat down at the table and made me an offer.
They were like – We’ll fly you back to Montana, unharmed and undamaged If you agree to participate in our rehabilitation program.
And I found it was an offer I couldn’t refuse, as it were.
Did I want to be rehabilitated? Oh hell no. I just figured I’d nod along and get a free flight home at the end. But those girls had some good points. They really did.
I mean, I’m not ready to join the Dragon Defense League or anything but I won’t accept another contract on a dragon and I think that was the main thing they were worried about.
I mean, I’m not a threat once I get back to Montana. As far as anyone knows, there are no dragons in Montana.
Yeah, yet. Good point. I guess that’s the other thing they’re worried about.
What turned me around? I don’t know that it was one particular thing. I guess I just had a lot of conversations. These people know how to talk a person to death if they want.
Well, they started out with women who aren’t dragons, actually. They were a lot of super tough direct ladies. I called them broads but I don’t think they liked that. But you know, they were fun to talk to. My kind of broads. And they let me know in no uncertain terms that my aligning with these scumbag incel dudes was a real betrayal of the sisterhood. Not that I’ve ever given a shit about a sisterhood.
But you know. They told me about misogyny and stuff. Apparently, I have some internalized misogyny going on. Did you ever hear of such a thing?
Do you? What do they call that? Internalized misandry? I never heard of that before.
Anyway – one of the working theories these broads had was that my misogyny was what was driving the dragon killer in me. Me, I thought it was money driving it. Those guys were going to pay me a lot. And they gave me a hefty advance.
But the broads had me spend some time with some dragons outside of their dragon form.
Oh, they made me take a goddamn watercolor workshop they were sponsoring. These girls. Oh my god. All so nice. I was tempted to kill them in their human forms.
No, of course I wouldn’t.
But the Broads knew that. And you know, I don’t like a nice girl. I’m sorry I just never have. I don’t trust them. But I guess they were doing aversion therapy on me or something – because after a week of doing watercolors with these girls, I’d have done anything for them. They worked their magic on me, I guess.
I don’t know. I guess I got a little soft. And you know, Drench, softness has its good points.
I don’t know. The Broads were convinced that if I allowed myself to be a little soft, a little undefended, I might discover something. And when I realized that these girls had been walking around their whole lives like that? That’s when I started to feel for them.
I guess I’ve been part dragon my whole life. Like, not literally – but I have some serious scales and my claws are dangerous, just you know, in life. But these girls never had claws. They were walking around vulnerable, with no armor, no scales, no claws, so like…of course they had to turn dragon.
I can’t begin to understand the mechanism for it all but they have turned me around. Stupid watercolors.
Anyway – I’m very sorry I tried to kill your girlfriend. In my defense, I did not know she was your girlfriend. She was just my target.
But anyway. I am sorry.
For a long time, I confess, I was pretty mad at you for stringing me along or setting me up or whatever you did. But – the Broads helped me see that you were just protecting a vulnerable person. And anyone who tried to mess with my watercolor girls would get similar treatment from me. Woe to the person who put his sights on one of those girls. And I’d be a lot less kind than you were.
I mean, I walked away from that encounter with only a couple of scratches from falling dishware. I could have been clawed to death. Or stabbed. Or set on fire.
But really – I’m sorry for risking your life like that. I’m sorry for trying to kill your girlfriend. I’m sure you know it was just business and not out of jealousy or anything. I was very surprised to find you there as I think you may have realized. Anyway, I am sorry. Am I doing this right? Hang on, let me look at the apology guide.
Yeah, yeah. Check it out. It’s big and clear. There’s a check list. Oh, see, I forgot this part. I take responsibility for my actions.
You see. It’s a good thing this guide is here. Yeah, so it was me who chose to go to a young woman’s apartment armed with a sword to kill her. It was me who brought in that triggering pizza guy to get her into the body I wanted a trophy of. It was me who got Ashley into a state that knocked her dishes off her shelves. The cuts were on me. The whole debacle was my choice.
To be honest, I was mostly mad to get caught.
Well, in my mind it wasn’t a crime. I didn’t think of dragons as human so killing one didn’t seem particularly bad.
I know now that it would have been murder, really. Like, just because I wanted to kill the animal, doesn’t mean I wasn’t really killing a person. I was told to get my trophy early because dragons often revert to their human bodies when they die. That should have clued me in to what was the actual self of the thing. Person. Anyway – I take responsibility for what I did. And I suppose I should be grateful to you that you prevented me from killing her. I could have been charged with murder.
Believe me, that’s a fact that those boys who hired me failed to mention. I’m a hunter, not a contract killer.
Oh yeah. I flipped faster than a bubbling pancake. Those guys didn’t earn any silence from me. I don’t know what happened to them. I’m not sure these Dragon Justice broads would even want to go through the old justice system. They feel pretty strongly that the laws are way too far behind for this sort of thing. That’s why they didn’t turn me over to the usual law. It’s entirely possible that the fellas who hired me are going through rehabilitation just like me.
Well, probably not just like me. Those guys hate all kinds of women, not just dragons. They would need a lot of deprogramming to get to a baseline de-misogynized existence. I don’t know if it’s possible. And I don’t know that many of these women would have the patience to sit with those guys for long enough to do it. It’s very possible that a lot of them were dragon toast or a dragon snack. I’m sure they tried to give them a chance but in my experience…those boys were very triggering and they were very lucky that I was not a dragon and that I know how to keep my sword to myself.
But here I am bragging, not apologizing. Have I apologized sufficiently do you think? Do you feel sufficiently apologized at?
I think so, too. And for now seems like a good qualification. Anyway. How are you, Drench? I understand you’ve had an eventful trip home.
Yeah. I can understand not wanting to talk about it. And again, I am sorry for attempting to kill everyone’s favorite dragon.
Don’t you think everyone’s going mad for her? I mean, I have to hand it to you, you’ve made her really human with your little love story.
No. No. I’m sorry. I did not mean to be patronizing there.
I mean, I know better than to flirt with a dragon’s boyfriend. Though I also know I’m pretty safe to do it. Dragons don’t behave like wronged women in soap operas, for the most part. They’re not jealous creatures. They’re more likely to eat someone for a slight infraction than a big one. And so far, they haven’t eaten any other women.
I guess ultimately, I’m putting you at more risk than me by flirting with you.
I’m glad to hear it.
Oh, no, I’m not hanging around this city a minute longer than I have to. I’m going back to Montana as soon as they give me the all clear – and this little exercise is one of the last hurdles. I mean, sure, they’d prefer I apologized to Ashley – but it’s really up to the wronged person whether or not they feel like listening to someone apologize. It’s a very acceptable response to not want to see the face of someone who tried to kill you. Everyone in this whole weirdo rehabilitation program believes that. I think that’s why this Apology Pavilion isn’t so busy.
I mean, first, because the dragons don’t really TRY to kill anyone, they just do. Very fast.
No attempts necessary. It’s usually loved ones they end up apologizing to – and again….not everyone is up for that. I get the sense you’re a little unusual that way.
Oh, right. Curious George. That’s you. It’s really amazing it hasn’t killed you.
Well, I don’t want to keep you stuck in this weird building with me. But, you know, if you ever get out to Montana, look me up. You still have my card?
Well – certainly if you have real estate needs in Montana! I’d be offended if you went with anyone else.
No, no. I can’t imagine you’d be moving to Montana any time soon. And I imagine it might be pretty difficult for Ashley to relocate.
Of course I have empathy! This whole rehabilitation scheme would never work if I didn’t.
I mean, I’m not going to lie. I am not over blessed in the empathy department I have learned. But I’ve got enough to keep me from being a lost cause
Look – I’m ready to get the hell out of this crazy city. Not that I’ve seen much of it in this rehab situation – but everything’s backwards here and I do not like it. When I get back to Montana, after I smooth things over with my colleagues who I’ve abandoned all this while, I am going to the woods and I am going to just disappear for as long as I can get away with. City life is already not for me. But Dragon City Life? For sure not for me. Power dynamics not withstanding.
Well Drench – it has been great to see you again. I’m grateful to find that I’m not angry at you anymore. I guess they call that forgiveness.
Oh, really? Thank you so much. It’s nice to exchange forgiveness. I didn’t expect it but I do appreciate it. I am genuinely sorry. If you feel you can relay that message to Ashley, too, I’d appreciate it. I don’t expect her to forgive me but I would like her to know I’m sorry.
Okay. I guess that’s our Apology session.
I push this button to let them know they can let me out.
You just go out that door.
Bye Drench.
Stay safe out there.
*
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning is created by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
Show art by Shannon Harvey
Produced by Kayshana Johnson
This episode featured Jeff LaGreca as Dylan and Nancy Nagrant as Kala.
Messenger Theatre Company is a not-for-profit organization and we are entirely reliant on your support.
Thank you in advance for making our next project possible.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)