Messenger Theatre Company presents Season Three of The Dragoning
Episode Six: Five Thousand Years
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
Season Three of The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Six – Five Thousand Years
Zeke, Dr Andrea Hester, Dylan
(The music sputters out.)
*
(sound of dragon roar. Sound of café door opening.)
Zeke
Hey man – wow – I’m so glad you came back here! The owners were like, no way he’s coming back and I was like, you’re probably right but I’m so glad we were all wrong! What can I get started for you?
Right? It’s not just the cute name – that dragonccino is really delicious.
Well – it is definitely the most popular drink we have – but I’m actually partial to the Dragon Repellent.
Oh it’s a cappuccino with pine sugar – because you know how pine helps keep women from dragoning up? Well this pine sugar is delicious, we sprinkle the top with it and, there’s also a spoonful of pine flavored syrup in it, too.
Oh, sure, smelling is totally possible.
Get a whiff of that.
I know, well – when I first started here, I was wary of the pine – but now I have to have at least one a day.
Well, I’d have more but this pine sugar isn’t cheap and I can’t be going crazy drinking it all day.
Oh, absolutely. We call that a Failed Dragon Repellent because we set it on fire. You want me to get one going for you?
Thank you, boss. I’ll tell the owners.
Yeah, it’s kind of rare for anyone to innovate in this space these days. I feel like the pumpkin spice thing was the last time anyone made a big leap in café culture – and that was so long ago, I wasn’t even drinking coffee yet when that happened.
Yeah, I keep telling them it’s a real leap.
Oh, they say that the Dragoning was such a big evolutionary leap it had to bring other stuff along. They’re convinced we’re going to see a new world full of exciting innovations.
I don’t know I’m just a barista – but I guess it’s possible. I mean, I read this book about how art and music, and like everything – sort of flattened out at the turn of the century and there’s been no innovations in music or art or coffee or whatever in all these years – so if this is what shakes us out of that same-i-ness, I’m okay with it. Not that it would matter if I wasn’t. If I’ve learned anything from the Dragoning it’s that I’m not nearly as important as I thought I was.
No. That’s not true.
What I’m actually learning is how to survive in a world that seems to want to kill me – but sometimes I guess that feels like I’m just not that important, you know? Like, you realize, if I got eaten tomorrow, a small handful of people would be sad and my bosses would have to train the next barista themselves but otherwise, you know, my impact on the universe thus far has been negligible.
Oh, no. I’m not upset about it. I just – I guess what I realized is that I had a pretty inflated sense of my own importance before.
No – you’re - you’ve done a lot! You were in the news – in all those videos. You’re the Dragon’s Boyfriend!
Oh – yeah. I guess I see that. You’re – no, I don’t want to say it.
Yeah, sidekick does sort of sum it up. Does that upset you?
No, I get it, I’d kind of like it, too. I don’t need to be the main character. I’m just happy to be in the story. That’s exactly my point – that it’s kind of a nice change to just live my life and not take an oversize role in it somehow. I don’t know. Trauma has a big impact on all of us, I guess.
Well – they’re saying that all of us who’ve experienced the Dragoning are pretty much traumatized. Or at least the men are. The women may be having the opposite experience. What they’re saying is that we’ve had our sense of safety severely compromised.
Oh, just that most of us never had much reason to fear before.
I hadn’t been truly afraid since I was a child afraid of monsters under the bed. But now…now - I’m genuinely afraid a lot of the time and I gotta say, it takes a lot out of me.
Oh, I know the fear is keeping me alive – but it is not without cost. I just get a lot less done, you know? I had no idea how much a life without fear was worth!
Turns out – a lot?
Here you go – One Failed Dragon Repellent for you.
I know, right? I’m so glad you like it.
No – listen – what I mean is if I could go back in time to the pre- dragon world, I would appreciate the absence of fear. I would walk around reveling in how little I had to be afraid of.
And there were things I ought to have been afraid of and I wasn’t - and it was nice.
I mean, I put it all on the list of Things I Should Have Been Grateful for Before. And it’s funny to be grateful for an absence of something.
I used to feel powerful, you know.
But I was not a king. And sometimes women gave me everything because they were afraid I would turn on them.
No. Never. But I see now that that doesn’t mean I wasn’t benefitting from the fear that I would. Just because I wasn’t aware of it at the time doesn’t mean I wasn’t milking it for all it was worth.
Well, I know that now because I find myself on the other side of it. Like, I do EVERYTHING I can to please any woman that I’m with because I am afraid she will turn on me, turn dragon and eat me. The only difference is we’re both fully aware that that’s what’s happening.
Since it’s new, you know? The other way had been going on for millennia – and this way just turned around this year.
So – it’s just more obvious.
Is it evolution or devolution?
Which is more evolved: awareness or power? Power felt better – but I also realize that it was the cause of a whole lot of destruction and suffering.
No! Not mine! Oh my God. No. I’m a barista; I’ve never had any real power. But…you know, power in general. In the hands of men for thousands of years. We didn’t do a stellar job with that throughout history.
Yeah, our five thousand years might be up.
Oh, a friend of mine told me about a feminist art show from a while ago that was called Your Five Thousand Years are up – and I think about it sometimes.
Well - because it doesn’t seem fair, does it? We had everything for 5000 years and right here at the end of it, we were born? Like, I never got to really take advantage of this famous male privilege.
But when your five thousand years are up, they’re up.
I mean – it doesn’t mean it’s the end of everything for men. If I were really worried about it, I could move somewhere that hasn’t had a dragoning yet. Which is pretty much everywhere. But this is where things are happening, you know? And just because men won’t be at the center anymore doesn’t mean we can’t get up to some interesting stuff. I mean women managed all these years, we can do it, too. Just because it’ll be harder to get to the top, doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing stuff. I mean – right now I’m part of some coffee innovation, who knows what’s around the corner?
What’s the alternative? Get weird and bitter like those incel groups? No thank you. Their 5000 years are up but they think they’re going to bully their way to another 5000.
Sorry – those guys get me all worked up.
You too, huh?
Yeah, I’ve had some friends slide into that life and they’re just irretrievable. I can’t stomach them anymore.
One was telling me they’d hired a hunter – a lady hunter, no less, to go after dragons.
Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from that guy in a while. I’m going to guess that plan backfired spectacularly.
You’re kidding me. You met that hunter? And the dragon she went after? That was real?
No. You were not. You were there? Damn man – how do you do it? You’re just everywhere!
No – I really haven’t heard from him in awhile.
I mean, to me, and I tried to tell him this, to me, he was basically trying to hire a contract killer - and that’s just - you know it’s entertaining in movies but that’s not the way civilized people behave. He didn’t see it that way of course. He saw it as exterminating a dangerous animal.
Well – frankly – Given half the chance he’d have gotten rid of all women just on the off chance they could be dragons. I’m embarrassed to have stayed in touch with him for as long as I did.
Oh, you know, he was kind of fun to play foosball with.
He was a pretty simple dude. It’s possible he just watched the wrong video and had his head turned, you know? In any case, it’s a shame.
I mean, frankly, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t been eaten. Or set on fire. At a certain point, I could barely tolerate him. Any dragon who happened to cross his path would be extremely likely to eat him right up.
I mean, we all know the types now, don’t we?
Don’t you look at guys on the street and go, “Oh, yeah – he’s gonna be toast.” Or “that guy is Dragon Brunch within the week.”
And you know, maybe someone thinks that about me somewhere, I don’t know – but I hope I’ve learned a few things about survival in this world.
Yeah – that’s it, really. Try not to be a dick. Keep an eye on your surroundings.
because I’d just walk down the street and I was really used to women always getting out of my way and I had to bump into a few before I realized I should start adjusting how I moved through the world out there.
Yeah, no, it’s not just walking, is it? It’s like – I feel like I understand about inside voices now in a way that I did not before. Like, sometimes you gotta keep your voice down. Like, now, no worries. But if there were a woman over at that table trying to study or read or whatever, it would be library voices in here, you know? I learned that the hard way.
Well, it wasn’t hard for me but the guy who was going on about cryptocurrency at a boisterous volume learned the hard way right in front of me.
Yep – one minute he was telling me about the blockchain in excruciating detail and the next minute a dragon was standing there licking her lips and looking at me.
I just nodded at her like I was grateful for her service and she went back to her table, looking just like she had when she came in.
Yeah. It was wild, let me tell you.
Maybe it helped that she was a regular? I mean, she knows me. And she knows no one else makes the dragonccinos like me so she had lots of reasons not to eat me.
Oh, yeah, she comes in here all the time. We have a nice rapport. I think she appreciates that I’m cool with her dragon stuff. I mean, sure, I’m terrified but I figure if she didn’t eat me when she was a dragon last time,
Oh, good point. I’m probably kicking off a whole feast of fear for her, too. Good point.
No. No. We’ve definitely never talked about it. But she does really overtip so I think she maybe is trying to make up for eating a guy in my workplace.
She’s a great customer. I like her. And that guy was really annoying. I got it. If I could have turned dragon, I’d have done it myself.
No, you’re right. I wouldn’t. But still you know we all have to adapt to this world and I think I’m doing okay.
And you’re doing amazing! Thanks for being such a good role model for the rest of us, man. It’s very helpful.
And if you were a dragon, you’d have eaten me a while ago because I am blabbering on here.
Really? Everyone? People like to tell you stuff, huh? Wow. Yeah.
No, you’re right. People do tell me stuff, too. You’re right. Like that crypto guy – that’s why I wouldn’t have eaten him if I was a dragon – because it’s like a sacred barista trust to listen to people. Especially lonely dudes who don’t know how to have a conversation.
I mean, don’t you think? Dudes like that don’t know how to back and forth so they just hold forth. And I can take it, you know. I can hold that kind of space for them, even if it is irritating.
No, no, man. I’ve talked your ear off again – that coffee is on the house.
I’ll try not to overshare next time. Have a good one, man.
*
Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of the street
Dr Andrea Hester
Brent? Sorry. It’s Brent, right? Sorry to pull you up short on the street like this. I just – I don’t know if you’ll remember me. I treated you after your ice skating injury a little while ago.
Yes, right. I’m Dr. Hester.
No, please feel free to call me Andrea.
I’m so glad to hear you’ve healed up.
Yeah, truthfully – I don’t do a lot of follow ups in the emergency wing of medicine. But I’m glad of it. No, no. The reason I wanted to grab you is –
Well – yes – it was the pamphlet I gave you that I wanted to talk about.
No, because I saw you on the news when your girlfriend ate those guys at the airport and I thought, “That was my patient. And that was my patient I sent to the dragon safe house and is that the dragon he was singed by?”
Are you okay?
Oh good.
And I guess you didn’t go to the dragon safe house?
Do you mind if I ask why not?
Oh, sure. That makes sense. You weren’t afraid for your life.
Yes, I see. And you liked her. But weren’t you afraid?
Wow. “A little bit of fear keeps you both safe.” Huh. Well, I guess given the fear response in this pathology that might make some sense. I’m just so used to trying to keep people out of fear.
No, I suppose you’re right. Dragons don’t really stalk anyone.
They are more reactive than predatory.
No, now that you mention it, we’ve never had a dragon come looking for any of our clients. Our clients come to us afraid, worried for their lives but unlike the domestic violence shelter I used to work at, we’ve never had to hold any dragons off. They seem genuinely un-interested in our clients. But our clients are truly terrified. And we look after them.
Well, you are welcome for patching you up. I guess that really was mostly a skating accident, then.
I’m sorry – I saw the singe-ing and I assumed the worst.
No, you don’t have to tell me.
You were singed on your way out the door when she told you to run.
Wait, she told you to run? That’s unusual behavior.
I should say she had some conflicting emotions. My goodness she turns dragon to eat you and tells you to run as she’s transforming? Fascinating. I guess I ought to get into research because I am very curious about how all this works.
Well, I volunteered at domestic violence shelters before. They always need doctors, particularly women doctors. And when they started to close down the shelters -
Oh, for the best reason. They weren't needed any more. But one of the board members suggested we turn them into dragon safe houses, to look out for men who might have been traumatized by dragons.
No, truthfully, we haven’t had a lot of clients. Most men who turn up are certainly fearful but there’s rarely a particular dragon they’re running from.
They’re just generally scared and rarely has anyone had any actual contact with dragons. But we let them stay anyway because we have the space and the staff and we have to keep them occupied or we’ll lose all our funding!
I suppose we could pivot again, though to what?
Yeah, we don’t know either. I mean, I’m glad for you that your dragon love story worked out – but I have to confess, you were my prime example for a little bit.
Well, someone would say, “There no point in staying open!” and then I’d say, “But I had this patient with all this singe-ing. Where would he go if we weren’t here?”
Yes, I guess you did go to the airport. And since right now there are only two countries with dragons, I guess anyone who is looking to avoid them could also just go to the airport.
(Sigh) I really hoped I’d find a secret terrible case of dragon abuse under your story but it sounds like you’re just fine and maybe just in love.
Heigh ho. That’s the way it goes, I suppose. Ah well. I have plenty to do at the hospital. Thank you for having this little chat with me, Brent.
Oh no, it’s not so much a disappointment as a shattering of illusions and I must sound terrible being all disappointed to learn you’re not being abused. I’m actually genuinely happy for you. Genuinely. What a ninny. I mean – if I was disappointed it’s only because I had some grand idea of helping people who don’t actually need help. It’s a splash of cold water but I guess I just have to let it go.
Right. That is the question, isn’t it? Who DOES need our help now? Because, right, fundamentally the dragons solved domestic violence. They solved it. Just by eating or immolating the ones doing it. They didn’t reverse roles with domestic abusers, they scared the piss out of the domestic abusers and then went about their business.
Yes – I suppose scared domestic abusers could need some help but – I’m not sure they’re at the top of my list.
Well – I guess – a lot of kids have lost their shitty fathers and while that might actually be good – maybe some of them are orphans now. We could open up an orphanage, I guess. It feels very old fashioned but maybe it is all that’s left. I’d open a sexual assault crisis center but those numbers have gone WAY down. And I don’t want to be – uh – well, the dragons seem to be handling those cases quite aggressively and effectively and I would not want to get in their way.
Well, Brent, you have given me such a lot to think about. I thank you.
*
Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of the phone
DYLAN
When they called me and asked me to do this, I could not believe it. I could NOT believe it. Brent! I can’t believe it.
And Ashley – wow. I am both scared and happy to meet you.
No, no, not just because you’re a dragon – though really, I never knowingly met a dragon before – but because you’re my buddy Brent’s girl and I don’t want to make a bad impression. And the fact that they’re filming all this? I don’t want to get the award for the most dumb-ass dragon meeting of the year, you know.
Aw. You’re sweet. Brent Buddy – your girl is so sweet!
Is that okay to say? I’m sorry. I’m nervous. But they tell me they’ll edit everything so I can say all the dumbest stuff and they’ll make me sound like Mr Smooth. Or they’ll make sound like a fool. They didn’t say that. I just know it’s true. I mean, I’m okay either way, you know? It wouldn’t be the first time I looked like a fool and at least if it’s the editing, I can say, “Hey, those guys edited me to make me look like a fool!”
Ha, ha, yeah! Philosopher. That’s me. Oh, well. They told me that I should meet you, Ashley so I know who I’m selling out if I happen to start drinking the kool-aid over at the Scourge Center. They felt it would help me keep you in mind.
Yeah, yeah – or they thought this would make good TV, a spy meeting a dragon. Yeah, of course that’s good TV. Doy. Yeah – but I think they’re right about the other thing too, because you know, I don’t like to admit – but I am not the most stalwart of men.
I just mean, surrounded by a bunch of guys trying to convince me of something, I might be convinced. I wish I had a stronger will of my own but Ashley, I am very vulnerable to peer pressure, especially from others guys.
Well – I don’t know much but I do know my own weaknesses. You know, I’d go by the bar meaning to just have a soda or a coffee or something and I’d be stumbling home drunk.
I’ve smoked things I didn’t want to smoke and taken drugs I didn’t want to take. But those things only hurt me, they didn’t impact anyone else, really. So for this, I think those TV people are right. I’ll stay firm because I don’t want to hurt a nice sweet girl like you!
Golly. I’m blushing. Am I blushing?
I’m pretty lucky I met you, Brent. I have a lot of ideas.
Yeah, I guess I’m a bit ambitious. And even in my wildest dreams, I didn’t imagine getting on TV. And with such nice people. I regret everything I ever said about dragons before.
I didn’t know.
You know, I never met one. I was just scared. Like a lot of guys, I guess.
Yeah, it’s true. I am, still.
Is it? The fear keeps me alive?
You think so? A dragon might just want to keep me around? Because fear is good? Tasty?
Okay with me. Eat up!
Well – I guess I’m also scared to go meet up with a bunch of dudes who might do me harm if they find out I’m a spy.
You would?
If they harm one hair on my head? Brent, I think I’m in love with your girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah. We got each other’s backs. Right on.
Well – the main thing I’m worried about is that I got a big mouth – and I’m going to have to work pretty hard to keep all these secrets if they get me talking. But the law enforcement people said in these types of situations, it’s pretty rare that the leaders do much listening. That usually these type of guys tend to do 99% of the talking and when their followers talk it’s mostly a yes/no type of situation. So I think I’ll be okay – but Ashley, I want you to know that if I get going and I think I’m going to spill, I am going to think of you and shut up.
I got a strategy, see! I’m getting some training. It’s going to be very interesting. The most interesting thing that’s happened to me before, I think.
Oh, yeah, yeah – they’re going to be listening and watching – there’s gonna be an invisible mic and a camera in my hat. And they’re trying out a little ear piece so they can talk me down if I get too wound up. It is super spy shit # and I am pumped. Are you sure you don’t want to do this, Brent? I feel bad taking your invite.
Oh, right, right. You’d be at too much risk. They’d know you. Might throw you in a closet or whatever. I got it. I got it.
Well – I guess none of those guys would suspect me. They got no reason. And I’m just the kind of chucklebrain to stumble in to a place like that.
Nah, nah. I know I am. It’s okay. Me being that kind of chucklebrain is what’s getting me this opportunity.
Yeah, yeah. Wish me luck, guys. And don’t forget to rescue me if they throw me in the basement.
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning is created by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
Show art by Shannon Harvey
Produced by Kayshana Johnson
This episode featured Jonathan Horne as Zeke, Sally Beaumont as Dr. Andrea Hester and Jeff LaGreca as Dylan.
Messenger Theatre Company is a not-for-profit organization and we are entirely reliant on your support.
Thank you in advance for making our next project possible.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)