Messenger Theatre Company presents Season Three of The Dragoning
Episode Seven: The Typhoid Mary of Dragons
(The first few notes of the piano sound nice and theatre-y but then they start to deconstruct, a bit like a music box going awry. Strings come in. Men droning. Are they monks?)
EMILY:
Messenger Theatre Company presents
Season Three of The Dragoning
(lots of voices saying The Dragoning. The beat drops. There are some distorted strings or cries in rhythm.)
EMILY:
Episode Seven – The Typhoid Mary of Dragons
Harrison, Enid and Amanda
(The music sputters out.)
*
(sound of dragon roar. Sound of office conference room.)
HARRISON
Brent baby! This show is going to be a HIT. I’ve been seeing the footage and it is going to KILL. Let me tell you.
Your little buddy there is a damn star. He’ll go viral on the internet and people are going to tune in for him, I’m sure of it
Oh, Brent. You know what TV needs It’s some A plus villains and those boys at that club are going to be all A plus villains. The audience is going to love to hate them. I’ve never seen such excellent villainy outside of a Disney movie, you know? We usually have to make villains out of slightly irritating people – but these guys are just doing all the work themselves. It is unbelievable. And look, I know I’m no prize of a human – but they make me feel like a goddamn hero
Oh – right – why did we bring you in? It’s your travel show. We’ve got some intel about some places that would be interested in having you do your thing there.
Well, just between you and me and the wallpaper, these are all places right on the edge of a dragoning and they’re interested in breaking that story with you.
Well, you’re already known as Dragon boy. You know – if you go to their country, it looks like you started their dragoning, not the women who live there.
No, no, not the blame. No. No, the story. The story becomes The Dragon boy who happens to be in the right place at the right time and isn’t that a crazy coincidence? Well, it’s just a much easier story to manage for a lot of these countries than the truth, which is that dragons have been showing up there for a while already. I understand why that’s not so appealing for you. I get it. But – listen, my friend, you want to travel, these are some really great opportunities.
They’re going to set you up in some nice spots. They’ll get you the best food, the best tourist locations, it’s gonna be deluxe.
Oh, plus a fixer and a translator for the countries where you don’t speak the language.
No, no, of course, you’ll be free to go and do what you want. You’ll just have, maybe, some more choices than if you were doing it on a budget.
How about this? You make me a list of all the places you were dreaming of going on your travel show and I’ll make a list of everyone who wants to bring you over and if there’s any overlap, we’ll start there, okay?
Listen, you’re my good luck charm now, Brent. I want you to do what you want and I’m just going to follow along behind you with a little broom and a dust pan collecting any money you leave behind.
Yes, yes – like, you’re an elephant and I’m that artist who made a fortune with paintings made of elephant dung. I’m just here to sweep up behind you
I guess I was thinking about elephants because, you know a lot of these countries have a fair amount of them and I was picturing you and Ashley on an elephant ride – and what a compelling promo image that would be.
Well – we’d do our best to find you an ethical elephant ride, wouldn’t we? If that’s something you want, we’ll get it for you.
I’m happy to have you kick this off as soon as we’ve finished shooting the incel show.
No, that’s not what we’re calling it. It’s just what I’m calling it for now – because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that those guys have never had girlfriends.
Anyway – we’ll get those decks clear and send you abroad.
I’m getting excited about it, honestly. I mean – this show is pretty much making itself.
Honestly, you mentioned it and before we could even run it up the flag pole, we were getting calls from the reps for foreign governments. I gotta tell you, that does not happen every day around here.
And then when we started to see the footage from this incel project – well, I’ll be honest, I was suddenly able to picture this travel show clear as day. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Maybe because I don’t really watch travel shows in general but I know now that I would watch yours, no question.
I’d cast myself as your travel companion just to see it up close.
Oh no. Don’t worry. I won’t do that. I know I am not good on camera.
You make us a list of where you want to go and we’ll compare notes.
No, no. I’m not going to say. I do not want to bias you one way or another. I might not even tell you if the country is offering incentives or whatever. We’re just going to send you somewhere you want to go.
And you can ride on any kind of animal you want. They’re all good pics.
*
Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of a diner.
ENID
You want some more coffee, sugar?
My pleasure.
I hope you don’t mind me asking but you’re that dragon’s boyfriend, aren’t you?
Sure – I recognized you from the TV. You’ve all over it.
Yeah? You’re going to make some shows? That’s very exciting. What are they about?
I like travel shows, that sounds nice.
Let me ask you something. Do you mind? Since you’ve been in two dragonings so far and you’ve met more dragons than most, I’m just wondering if you’ve ever run across an old dragon.
Well, I guess all the ones on the news seem to be young women and to be honest, I’d be kind of interested in turning dragon myself but so far, no one I know has turned.
I mean, it’s hard to know if it’s just the normal old ageism or if dragons don’t manifest in us. Maybe. Am I too ornery to dragon? I know the dragons manifest in nice girls. I used to be nice, back in my youth. It’s still in me. But I’m not as nice as I used to be. Maybe that keeps the dragon away.
I mean, yeah. That’s my sense, too. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to happen for me, though if I could figure out how to make it happen, I would.
Probably whatever evolutionary genetic quirk they have, happened long after I was born. I’ve had to just go along with no claws, no fire, no teeth.
I mean, I have teeth. Just not teeth teeth, you know.
I guess I had to create my own kind of teeth. You know, I can’t eat anyone – much as I’d like to - but I’ve got some tricks to cut folks down to size when I need to. I guess I just think – being a dragon might be faster and neater.
Oh, like the other day, I was sitting way in the back there, taking a break, enjoying a minute to myself with some coffee, you know. And this man, maybe a little older than me comes back and asks me how long I’d been sitting there. I said maybe five minutes and he said, “You just lost five minutes of your life.” I said, “Excuse me?” And he goes, “They’ve done scientific studies and every minute you sit takes a minute off your life.”
I don’t think it is true – and I don’t generally take kindly to people who come up to give me unsolicited health advice.
I told him, “It’s worth it” and went back to reading my paper. And this bozo doesn’t take the hint. He comes up closer and asks, “Is that coffee?” I held up my hand and told him I didn’t need any feedback, thank you, but he just kept coming and told me coffee was the worst drink for the evening, that it was going to ruin my sleep and I should drink it in the morning if I had to drink it at all. And I longed to be a dragon, Brent. I longed for it.
This busybody of a man invading my space, taking up my precious break time….and my hand was not enough to stop him even though the gesture was very clearly indicating stop.
Well – I hear all these things about men being so afraid of women these days and yet this man had no fear of me whatsoever. Does he know that older women aren’t as dangerous? Are we not? Does he know something I don’t? Or is he just oblivious to the whole situation?
You know, I have noticed a shift. I have seen a bit of improved behavior, particularly in young men. It’s a carefulness, I guess. But a lot of the older men, even though they say they’re terrified, don’t seem to be terrified at all.
I suppose it could be an old dog new tricks situation, like they just can’t make a shift at this point? But I can make a shift. I feel very capable of adjusting so I don’t know that it is age.
Maybe the compulsion to invade women’s space is so strong, they cannot resist. I do not know how that man is not in the belly of a dragon.
With that approach? You know he’s said those same things to hundreds of women before me and maybe even some men if he was in the mood.
Oh I am as bad as he is, yapping at you while you’re trying to enjoy your coffee.
Really? Oh you’re sweet.
Thank you. I mean, my feeling is – what people drink or eat or do, for that matter, is nobody’s business but their own.
What does that man care about me and my health? He doesn’t, he’s just trying to tell me something to do. I had a customer tell me what it’s called…that fake concern for health. Oh goodness. What was it? Oh, she called them concern trolls.
Yeah, it’s good isn’t it? People who make your body something for them to be concerned about.
Listen, I’m a mind your own business sort of person. Live and let live, you know. I don’t understand busybodies like that. I just don’t.
Do they?
Oh no.
But it’s the same thing, isn’t it? They don’t care how happy you might be. They’re somehow convinced that happiness is unimportant because they think your girlfriend might hurt you. Well, I got a thing or two to tell people like that. Women have been partnering with dangerous men for thousands of years and people like that didn’t bat an eye or advise them not to risk getting involved with men. Danger has been a part of the deal for women who want to be with men for all these years. I think it’s a perfectly acceptable risk to take for someone you care about.
Yes. I think all those concern trolls should take a long walk off a short pier.
People must tell you you’re easy to talk to all the time.
I knew it.
Well, it takes one to know one, I suppose.
Yeah, they do. I’ve heard a thousand sob stories, let me tell you. But more than sob stories, some conundrums, some quandries – and a lot of nonsense. And a million explanations for a million different things.
Do they not? Well, you have been missing out, let me tell you. I’ll explain….just kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you.
No listen. You stay strong, young man. I’m proud of you.
Those guys are doing that snapping thing I hate. I guess I better go over there. Boy are they lucky I’m not a dragon.
Wouldn’t that be something. An old woman dreams of dragons.
No, no, sugar. That coffee is on me. You just made my night a million times better.
Well, you know how it is when you’re someone everyone tells their troubles to – sometimes you need to spill your own, I guess. Don’t you?
Yeah. Anyway. You come on back anytime and I will happily listen to any trouble you want to spill.
Yes, please! I would love to hear any news about old lady dragons. I long for it, truly.
You take care.
*
Sound of a dragon roar. Sound of the Hotel Davina Bar
AMANDA
So, this reality show that you’re in the middle of now, I love for you, in that you’re the star part.
I think it’s something Orson Welles said, like, it’s the character that everyone talks about for the whole movie and then you turn up and everyone’s all excited because the star has turned up but you don’t actually have to do a lot. And I like this for this you because this show, while we are getting a creator credit for you on it, is not your baby. This is not the show you dreamed of in your cradle, I know. & That show is the next one and it is going to knock everyone’s socks off, I’m 100% sure. And that IS your baby and your baby is going to be beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, so they put all the lists together and your top three were in their top five so they’re thinking we should go with your number one – that is, if your number one is still your number one. Is your number still your number one?
Hot chocolate! That’s great news. I think we have ourselves a show, then! I’ll let them know and then we’ll start hammering out the details of the deal.
I think it’ll be up to you how lux you want to take it. From what we’ve talked about, we go lux on the invisible stuff and cheap on the visible. Do I have that right?
Oh good. Yeah. I think that’s the way.
No. I absolutely do not think it’s misleading.
Well – because what happens behind the cameras is really nobody’s business. No one ever shows everything. We don’t need to see the anchorman’s apartment to listen to her read the news. We don’t need to know where anyone sleeps. And, frankly, we need you in good fighting shape for the part where you’re on camera. Sure, you could sleep in a tent – but you’ll probably sleep better on a nice mattress in a room with some climate control. It’s practical fundamentally. We’ll save buckets of money on under-eye concealer this way!
Of course I’m joking. You look like a million bucks. Which coincidentally is what they’re going to pay you for this thing. Good, right?
We’re doing alright. Proud of you, Brent.
I’ve got some paperwork for you to sign if you feel like you’re ready.
No – they drew these up for me today. They are desperate to get started.
Well – I did suggest that we might take this elsewhere if they didn’t give us what we wanted. So…
They sweetened the pot for us.
Yeah, it’s a nice sweet pot now.
Well, thank you. I do what I can.
No, listen, it’s the wild west out there now. Everyone’s hungry for dragon content and I just happen to be connected to the best dragon content available. The dragoning has been gutting for some people around here – and back home. But we just happen to be standing in the sweet spot as far as the rest of the world’s interest is concerned.
I do think it’s important that we seize this moment because no one knows what the backlash is going to look like. Or – a world full of dragons. That could happen, too. Or both.
My feeling is, everything’s turning upside down and sideways but we are standing on the one spot that is clear and steady for the moment. We get our millions and we’ll be in a better position for whatever’s next.
I don’t know what’s next. The TV guys don’t know what’s next.
Given your connections, I’d wager you have more of a sense of what’s next than anyone.
See? If you don’t know what’s next then no one knows what’s next.
So – you think you’re ready to sign these? Because what’s next for you is a trip halfway around the world!
Yeah, yeah. I sent you a digital copy too.
Yeah, no, truthfully, we’ve already discussed it with Ashley – just in context of her own projects. I’m not trying to steal your ability to work things out yourself, I promise. We just – had to move on one of her projects and what your plans are factored in to it.
I think we’re all in agreement that running two different programs at once is a good way to double the money. Am I right about that for you?
Good. It’s just, like, if someone wants both of you – great – I know you two would love to work together – but they’re going to have to pay for both of you at your individual rates. You’re not a set. You’re not a bargain. I’m not having that. Buy one dragon, get a dragon boyfriend free? No way. We’re not doing that. While you’re both hot, we have to seize the moment.
The hottest!
No, I know. You’re both worried about time apart. But here’s what I think. We have you make guest appearances on one another’s shows. We negotiate a guest spot – so we get a little time together and some extra money, without compromising on either of your star vehicle fees.
You think so? I do feel a bit like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this and there’s not a chance I’m going to blow any of our opportunities. I mean, this is all way better than I could have imagined.
One - uh – the existence of dragons.
Right? I mean. None of us saw this coming. None of us were prepared for it. Ashley never dreamed of becoming a dragon. She tells me she wanted to be a dancer, for crying out loud. It’s a far cry from dragon life. And you – you surely didn’t dream of life with a dragon. You probably could have bopped around the world for many years before settling down. Not that we’d call this settling down. I can barely keep up with you. But – you know – just being in a committed relationship didn’t really seem to be your thing before, am I wrong?
And me – well, I’d thought about becoming an agent but PR seemed easier when I started. And then I met you and we put this whole new way of doing things together. We are right on the hot spot. All of us together.
Oh, sure, I mean, when we all managed to work together to get a person out of prison – and not just your every day prison but the under the radar, could be held indefinitely sort of prison.
I mean, we DID that!
You got the story. I got you on the shows – and Ashley inspired us to keep going in there.
Well - Dragons had a bad reputation in general and Ashley eating those guys at the airport got her a specifically bad reputation. But you managed to rehabilitate her reputation with that amazing boyfriend tour. That’s a very successful PR turnaround if you ask me. That power is why we’re able to get such good deals now. Because Ashley is now not just your sweetheart but the world’s sweetheart. And that’s because of you and how you talk about her.
Well. I think it worked because her being in that prison was a PR issue. Our government didn’t want to be seen to be lax but once she became the world’s sweetheart, they couldn’t keep her anymore. If they’d charged her with something and put her on trial, it would have been a different story – but this was all PR. No verdict to overturn or case to investigate -– just pure international PR. And frankly, I think they were grateful to be rid of her.
I mean – they were so scared of her! It was really something to see. All those big tough guys with too many muscles were absolutely quaking in their boots. When I went to see her, they must have warned me twenty times to be careful. It’s like, even though they must have known I was in no danger at all, they couldn’t help projecting their own fear onto me.
Even if dragons did do anything to women, which they don’t, she was in that fireproof cell.
They were terrified. It must have been hard on their nervous systems. Honestly, I think all those guys were grateful for an excuse to let her go.
And they couldn’t keep her once the local dragons started emerging. The fear that she was going to kick off a new dragoning was off the table.
Maybe you did. We can’t know, can we? Certainly we can’t blame you for the first dragoning!
It started well before you showed up.
I mean where were you when the first Dragoning kicked off?
Thailand? Really?
Well, then we really can’t blame you for it, can we? You were miles away, Officer!
No, no, you are not the Typhoid Mary of dragons. Can you imagine?
No, no. You’re conveniently present for big dragon events but no one with any sense thinks you’re the cause.
We’ll watch out for it. I’ll make sure to steer them away from that narrative.
I mean, even these dragon hate groups don’t think you’re the cause, do they?
Yeah – that’s what I thought. They want to convert you to their cause, not blame you.
I mean – I don’t want to get too Women’s Studies here but how could they blame women for everything if it’s your fault?
Don’t worry, Brent. I’m on it. I’m looking out for you here.
Right on! We’ve got a show!
Congratulations!
(Dragoning theme credit music begins. Strings. Bells. It’s a little creepy but also fun. Like mischievous creatures sneaking around after midnight.)
EMILY:
The Dragoning is created by Messenger Theatre Company and written by Emily Rainbow Davis
The Dragoning Theme was composed by Scott Ethier
Sound design by Matt Powell
Show art by Shannon Harvey
Produced by Kayshana Johnson
This episode featured Aaron Sinn as Harrison, Laura Mirsky as Enid and Rhiannon Moushall as Amanda.
Messenger Theatre Company is a not-for-profit organization and we are entirely reliant on your support.
Thank you in advance for making our next project possible.
Stay safe out there everyone. And watch out for dragons.
(Music resolves.)